The Death and Transfiguration of a Daydreamer, in Three Parts.

Part Two

Okay, where were we?

Oh yeah, I remember. I am alive and doing well, or at least I am on top of the sod.

Let’s talk Cardiologist for a moment here. I’ve had a couple. The first one does the Cardiac Catheterization and plants the stint. But that is only half the saga. I say half because while it appears that while I am off the “fall down dead in the street list”, at least for now, I’m still in trouble. The first guy takes me through all the test and procedures for acute myocardial infarction. And test and procedures there were. My self-medication with liberal applications of Irish Whisky didn’t seem to do all that I thought it should. They discover that I have Arrhythmia, irregular heartbeats, and will need a Cardioversion to get back in rhythm.

Still with me? It gets better and better. I am now scheduled for a Cardioversion. This is where they put you to sleep stop, your heart and then shock you with the same kind of paddles you see on the TV cops show. “Hey, the victim is dead, quick try to start his heart…. stand back…” (The medic rubs the paddles together apply them straight to the chest. The poor victim thrashes around… “Again…. stand back”…(this time no response from the victim) “Too late…he’s gone”

Anyhow, the doctor tells me that when they put me to sleep I will be out about two minutes. How’s that for portion control? A shock or two and hopefully the heart will be back into a regular rhythm. They tell me, this is a common procedure and there is nothing to worry about. This coming from people who get paid no matter what happens to me.

Now my boss, remember he is the guy who made me move, finds out that with Cardioversion the first thing they do is stop your heart. Since, to my boss I have no brain therefore can’t be brain dead, stopping my heart will mean that I’m dead. He wants to call my Doctor and see if he can be in the surgery when I go. He wants to take a picture of me dead to use at my next review. He claims to be offering real money for this once in a lifetime opportunity. To tell you the truth I’m thinking about getting a new boss.

I go to the hospital as an outpatient; the whole process should take about one hour. Think about that, they stop your heart, start you up again and then send you on your way in just one hour. It’s sort of like going to the barbers without an appointment.

So, I’m in this room with a couple of Doctors, a couple of nurses and a couple of pieces of very scary machinery. I later find out that the machines are used for something else and have nothing to do with what is going on with me. I wish they had told me that up front, it would have saved all those tears.

Anyway, first the mask, then a deep breath and then sleep. About three minutes later I come two with the nurses running around the room screaming “It’s alive…It’s alive!” Nothing has happened. They had trouble getting my heart stopped and then had trouble getting it started. Evidently, on the real bad cases when they do the restart the heart it will give a couple of regular beats before it goes back into the bad rhythms. My heart just kept the bad rhythms going so the Doctor gave up and didn’t even try the second or third time as he normally would. They keep me several hours for observation then I’m off home.

By now you’re asking yourself, “What happened to the highlights? I thought this was only going to be highlights. I’m getting the whole story here.” No, you’re not. These are just the highlights.

They send me to a new Cardiologist, a specialist in a specialist discipline. This only means that he can charge more. So this new guy puts me in the hospital for three days so they can try a new medicine. It is a pill called Tikosyn. He was one of only a couple of Doctors in Georgia that can prescribe this medication. I’m not sure if this is because it’s a big deal or that it’s because we are in Georgia. There are only a hand full of pharmacies that can dispense it, and then only by mail order. Even saying that sounds suspicious, more so when they show in an unmarked package.

In the hospital all I do is get hooked up to a heart monitor, take one pill in the morning, followed by an EKG and then twelve hours later do it again. That’s it. It was the most boring three days I’ve ever spent anywhere and I’ve been to Texas.

Anyhow, three days later I get another Cardioversion, have another missed opportunity for my boss to take a snapshot and what do you know? It works. Heart is out of arterial fibrillation back in rhythm and all is right with the world.

Thus ends part two. Come back Tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion and find the answer to the question, “Why the hell am I still reading this?’ or the nurses version of “Quick, Hand me a Wooden Stake” from the hit musical “It’s Alive, It’s Alive.”