The Contest Winners:

I wish to announce the winners of my “Tell Kenn What To Do” contest.
The rules: an essay, fifty words or less, advising Kenn on his three choices concerning matters of the heart.

1) Get the Arterial Abation
2) Don’t get the Arterial Abation
3) Drink more Whisky and avoid the entire discussion.

Out of the several hundred entries the Judges reached consensus.

The Grand Prize Winner:
Mr. D. Thomas, late of the “White Horse Tavern” Greenwich Village.
Prize: the Eulogy.

His entry in the 50 words or less essay contest was a succinct one word. The entry was entitled….

“An Angel’s Tears”

Middleton’s.

Second Prize Winner
Mr. D. Rivera, late of Mexico City
Prize: Head Pallbearer.

As the entry was in what the Judges thought was Spanish, and as the Judges cannot read Spanish, this was a surprise winner. But, they thought that they couldn’t ignore the constant repetitions of the words, Muerte, Diablo, and Loco. While they weren’t sure what was meant by these words, it somehow seemed to suggest a certain passion that was missing in most of the entries. It was also thought that it would be politically incorrect to pooh-pooh a submission from our Third World brothers.

The entry will not be reprinted, as the Judges couldn’t figure out how to do either the accent mark over certain vowels or the little wavy line over the n.


Honorable Mention:
Mr. E. Pound of Hailey Idaho
Prize: Should either the Grand Prize or the Second Prize Winner be unable to collect their prizes, Mr. Pound will get to fill for one or both as necessary.

The Judges were unable to understand either Mr. Pound’s entry or how it was germane to the contest subject. However, as Mr. Pound seemed to be the only truly literate entrant the Judges figured, “What the Hell, how else are we going to get a bit of class?”

Salutation

O generation of the thoroughly smug
and the thoroughly uncomfortable,
I have seen fishermen picknicking in the sun,
I have seen them with untidy families,
I have seen their smiles full of teeth
and heard ungainly laughter.
And I am happier than you are,
And they were happier than I am;
And the fish swim in the lake
and do not even own clothing.

Mr. Salmon wishes to thank the Judges for their time and energy in dealing with the vast number of entries. The Judges will be willing to answer any questions on their judging techniques or about how they reached their decision. They can be reached at the Betty Ford Clinic in Palm Springs, California. The Doctor says that sometime in the next couple of weeks they should be able to come to the phone.