Fry the Freak:

I was called for Jury duty. A Southern California suffer boy judging the redneck crooks of the South, isn’t an interesting concept or what? Okay, I’m stretching the suffer boy a bit, but I did see one once. But you know, upon my honor, I wouldn’t exaggerate about the rednecks.

What’s even better; let me tell you, I’m ready. I’m really trained for this, and roaring to go. I’ve seen almost every episode of “Law and Order, and most of “Law and Order, Special Victims Unit.” I discount “Law and Order, Criminal Intent.” The head detective is a real pompous ass. He out pompouses even me, and that’s no small thing.

I hate it when McCoy loses a case. Have you noticed that the person is always guilty, but there is always some stupid legal reason that tilts the case in favor of the defense? But, we all know better. If it were an even playing script McCoy wouldn’t lose a single decision. Well, this time McCoy has me on his side, and I know if the person weren’t guilty he wouldn’t be on trail. So, don’t worry McCoy, I’m trained and I’m ready; let’s fry the freak.

I get to the Superior Court building a good thirty minutes before the time we are called. I want to get my judging in early so I get home right after lunch. I figure it should take about an hour to an hour and a half to present the evidence, then maybe forty-five minutes for the defense. I mean, why should the defense council waste anymore time lying about how innocent his client is? We all know that even that crook doesn’t really believe his crook is innocent. He is just some shyster trying to get his miscreant off so he’ll have someone to defend and bill next week. He’ll probably end up being a judge.

Anyway, after they present both sides, the judge will give us some legal dribble about what we should be doing, as if we didn’t know. This is a big fat waste of time as the “Law and Orders” shows have covered it all. You can tell that the judge doesn’t believe anything he is saying either. He knows that he has disallowed evidence that would have convicted the freak in the first five minutes of the case. But, like the defense council that he probably was, he is also is looking for job security.

Now we can go into the jury room and do our “deliberations.” Most of this time will be spent on trying to get the phone numbers of the single women on the jury. Depending on attitude, maybe some of the married ones as well. All this should take, say, thirty minutes. Maybe a minute to choose the jury foreman, then my ten-minute acceptance speech, followed by about fifteen minutes of the socializing, and wrapping up with about five minutes of jury stuff.

We will probably not deliver our verdict until after lunch; I think that the court buys lunch for people serving. We’ll come back deliver the decision, watch the guy cry and the defense council go red in the face and, of course, McCoy forever thankful that he had a “with it” guy like me helping drive things along. I’m sure he’ll want to take me out for drinks later, but I don’t think that would be proper. You know, the appearance of conflict of interest sort of thing. McCoy would have caught it himself if he hadn’t been so grateful.

So, I’m sitting there quietly doing my mental warm up exercises. You know the “well, do you live alone then” stuff? Perhaps I’ll even throw in a couple of “what are you doing after the frying?” I’ll play it loose depending on the talent pool. Then all my plans and hopes went to hell. After sitting there, doing nothing all morning, they come out and say that we can go home. Damn, that made me mad, I was primed and ready.

According to the clerk, who delivered this news in a calm understated manner, there had only been one trail scheduled for the day. Right before we were to be called into the courtroom, the lawyers came to some kind of understanding. I’m sure that the defense council had heard that I was in the jury pool and was looking for fresh meat. The chicken settled. His guy probably didn’t get the death penalty, but I’ll bet he got at least six months unless it was some civil garbage. So all in all, I was able to do my civic duty, under used as I was. I guess there was something good accomplished here.

You know in thinking it over, I think that the court clerk may be on the county payroll and not neutral at all.